It's My Heart and I'll Paint About It if I Want To

Why do I paint hearts, why do I paint about Love? I’ve not done it well, this whole thing of love and relationships, I’ve quite sucked at it actually. But I’m learning. it’s a journey, it’s a process. I’ve started healing, learning the void I’ve been seeking to fill is the love I haven’t shown myself … by putting my authentic self on hold to please others.

Some people see the hearts I paint and think they're pretty, or nice. And then others see my hearts and they see, and they FEEL the truth -- these hearts, my hearts, are for you.

It's my heart and I'll paint about it if I want to

I've been talking to someone, getting to know them -- but really, it seems, I'm getting to know myself. I can feel the anxiety, the fear of abandonment just rushing about through my blood. I recognized the discomfort this morning for what it was -- I've been used to (for three years), a barrage of text messages that would begin as early as 430am and continue through for 24 hours, on a regular, daily basis.

it hit me this morning, when chatting with a fellow traveler, that I hadn't realized how being texted all day, all night … as much as it frustrated me, it was actually a Band-Aid to my anxiety and fear of abandonment!  As much as I hated it, as suffocating as it felt sometimes, I actually craved it, needed it, wanted it.

so now, I'm getting to see what it's like without that unhealthy behavior of being connected to my former all day long, all night long … it can get really uncomfortable. I have to learn not to sit with it too long. I found myself missing my former, forgetting that the entire relationship was a mirage. I have to share these things with my fellow travelers, so they can help hold me accountable and help keep things real for me.