Dreams, Goals and the Reality of It All

 7:58pm 

Writing has been calling me back again, like the old healthy lover that I never had. Ha. 

I'm not sure why I wait so long in between writing. I suppose I get caught up in relationships, I get caught up in my head, I get caught up in doing and being and actually ... I've been getting caught up in living for a change.

I really am so proud of how far I have come. It has taken me absofuckinglutley forever to get to this point - about 20 years or so. 

I was reading my older posts from 2020, when I was breaking up with my ex (I'm more comfortable using that term now, lol). I had written how I couldn't see myself finding anyone who would fully accept me for who I am. I was prepared to be single -- was actually looking forward to it, to be honest. I was scared, that's for sure, but I was ready for that real, raw and vulnerable energy; I was ready to explore and discover the world and myself. I was ready to FEEL fully, to FEEL and be intoxicatingly alive. And then I got married again. LOL - I'm quietly laughing out loud here, shaking my head with a foolish smirk. I was SO close to making it to that finish line -- where it would finally just be "getting to know me" time. Psh.

None of that is to say that I'm not ... happy with my life,  nor content with my marriage. I do feel out of place - perhaps that's just my comfort zone that I'm out of (which is a good thing) .. but I really have so much more gratitude to focus on than I do the energy to "woe is me" and focus on what's not perfect in our little world.

Maybe "content" sounds like a red flag. Let me tell you, we have so many red flags, we can knit a fucking quilt to blanket the town - I don't give a fuck about the red flags. I'm a flaming red flag of my own at times. I want real, and I've got it. The man I've married is an active addict, has been for the majority of his life. I give him his space, he gives me mine. We work well together. Sometimes I'm too needy; sometimes he's a big fucking brat. We both do our share in the home. We communicate and care for each other. We laugh, we love, and we are affectionate. We love our dog, our family, music and food. I was drawn to him but I never saw it coming until I was in the middle of it. He is sick and suffers from the disease of addiction. I am in recovery from the same. I have been where he is. And I know, I was still deserving of love, and so is he. He is so much more than his disease, and I am in love with who he is, drug/alcohol addicted flaws and all. I have no shame, as there's no need for that. 

I never knew drugs the way I do now. It's an odd fascination to see addiction alive - to see how it takes shape, how it takes hold. I watch it happen - it's all I can do. The eyes change, the voice changes. Sometimes there's silly fun laughter; sometimes there's chanting. There's the naked nodding out, the sweats, the stench coming through the pores. There's the cotton mouth, the scratch-till-you-bleed, the needles and syringes (not as of late, thankfully).

There's the acid squares and a science cabinet full of weed, mushrooms, unknown chemicals, potions and fancy pipes. 

There's the switch-it-ups ... from vodka to wine to beer to whiskey to gin and all over again in different combinations - because "something's gotta work".  When I was at this point in my own addiction, I kept all the furious bewilderments and plans secret, in my head. He shares his thoughts out loud - I never have to wonder what he's thinking, and my god how I love that. He is an audiobook turned up loud; and video in vivid color - sometimes on fast-forward, sometimes on pause, never on stop - and I've got a front row ticket to every show.

It was all a secret world growing up - the drug world. Part of me is so grateful, but the child in me who grew up in absolute fear and ignorant of the unknown drugged out universe wishes I had been able to make sense of it all so much sooner. 

I have been floored, dumbfounded, shocked, surprised and curiously fascinated. I want nothing to do with drugs personally - not interested in ingesting, trying, smoking, etc.  I know, that for me (being 10 years alcohol free), to drink or use is to die. I just want to watch, to learn, to understand, to love. 

... well, I didn't know I was coming here to write about all of this, lol. But it's okay, it's part of my reality. And that's just it - it's just a part of my reality, it's not the whole story. 

There's also the getting to know me part. There's me being more responsible. There's me taking chances, making choices, saying yes more, saying no more and living a life that I am okay with.

I want to travel more and do big things ... I don't know if that flame of incessant yearning to explore the country and other countries will ever quiet down or if it will wildly flare up until I get on a plane, or get myself a vehicle and take off. But I've started on that path ... I've put it out into the universe. And things are happening.

I now have a fully creative work schedule. I work part time at a pottery shop. I left my full-time job where I was working too many hours at a tailor shop. Interestingly enough, I really enjoyed working in the tailor shop. It was fun to see all the different fabrics, learn sewing skills, do fittings, learn about denim and the fashion industry, work in the city shop where all the fancy glittery costumes came in - all things I didn't expect in a "tailor shop assistant" role. I thought I'd just be sweeping floors, threading machines and taking orders.  So, when I found myself simultaneously enjoying my job and still feeling a void, not feeling fulfilled ... I knew it was my time to try.

I left that job in May of this year, and made a decision to focus on my paint party business full-time, while still working part-time at the pottery shop for some stable income. I had about one thousand dollars in my bank account, which included rent and money for bills - it definitely wasn't extra money or savings. I had been doing one or two paint classes a month at the pottery shop, and I had realized that I didn't have time to do more than that because of my six-day a week full-time job at the tailor shop. So, I asked to be put on the schedule for two-and-a-half days at the pottery shop, and I began scheduling more public classes. I figured, I'd go until the money ran out, at which point I knew I'd have to return to work full-time. 

People started signing up. Businesses started signing up for team building events. Ladies have been signing up for Girls Night Outs. Parents have signed up for birthday parties. People have signed up their organizations to hold fundraisers. Someone purchased a gift certificate; another purchased a party of 10 to donate to a tricky tray. My income has increased. I have classes booked in advance through October.

I know it can all change. Maybe it's a seasonal thing. Maybe beginner's luck. Maybe it's just that I'm exactly where I'm meant to be and I've been trusting my higher power to carry me. 

There were some things that I'd been doing for myself, some for others, some things were mutually beneficial. But there came a time, where I realized I was working harder to help other people enjoy their lives and I wasn't fully tending to my own heart, my own needs. I started to stand up for myself, to create boundaries (although not perfectly executed), and to believe in myself. I started to put all that energy into my own dreams and goals ... and life got a heck of a lot more fulfilling. 

I don't so much feel lost anymore, but maybe a little misguided. I feel like I'm taking the road less travelled, like I'm wandering now ... but that's okay, I'm just excited and curious to be here, and I want to see everything that surrounds me. I love, so much, that I can take it one day at a time. I love that I have nothing to fear. If this doesn't work out, something else will. I tried, I am trying, I am giving it my best shot and I'm enjoying it as much as possible. 

I would love to travel next year ... take the paint parties on the road - or some version of it ... use it to sustain myself and do good with it. I have ideas, but no solid plans just yet. Can't wait to see what that blog will be about!  

Goodnight, much love. <3

__________

"Go to sleep in peace; God is awake." 

~ Victor Hugo