Trying to get used to living apart from my husband while simultaneously not wanting to live apart from him is an odd, uncomfortable, different, unusual, distinct feeling of ... ambivalence.

Trying to not hold on, to not resist, to accept what is as it is, and being okay with it, but then the mind reels back to him holding me, waking up with me, making me breakfast, going to sleep with me (rarely) ... and I miss that, I want that. But I do like this too. How to combine the two?

I know I'm not making much sense right now, contradictions.  I'm tired, stayed up again too late (watching Skruk, a great Danish series on Netflix). Still recovering from a few days of body aches, fever, sore throat. 

Have luxury anxieties seeping in ... birthday painting for my mom, which at this point will be late dammit.
Holiday gifts. Trying to be comforting and available to my kids whose grandmother just passed away. And some feelings there myself, which I want to look at but not really.

Off to work at the plant shop ... it's a 5 minute walk from here, that is so fantastic. I've switched around the furniture in my bedroom and now I have a space that feels less looming. I almost like it. I want to make silk curtains, bohemian style. Hang some lights and bring home a plant or two. 

I am tired. I am feeling sad. And yet still hopeful.

I trust you, God.