From Hangry to Italy
I woke up angry. For starters, I didn't sleep well -- I think because I had caffeine after 7pm, dammit, I should know better. I even took a Melatonin. I Tik-Tok'd my way to sleep, tik after tok, tok after tik, desperately wanting to be convinced beyond any reason of doubt that my former relationship had been toxic because I was involved with a narcissistic person.
It all adds up, even through all the 'buts'. I'm not looking to harp on it. I'm just trying to make sense, to understand.
The last text came just shortly after 9pm. Same old stuff -- they've got huge plans and they hope I'll be involved in some way for this art and music event in May (honestly, no thanks!) Sounds fun, I'm sure it will be an awesome time and all that jazz, but the thought of having to be committed to working with you for the next 7 months just feels so fucking controlling and suffocating to me.
Throughout the night, as I tossed and turned around my doggo, and tried to find a comfortable sleeping position that wouldn't make my annoying neck pain worse, I found myself waiting for the bombardment of texts to come through well into midnight -- but they never did.
The earliest texts in the morning would typically come around 530, 6am. 7am came and all was quiet. Something in me relaxed, was relieved. It's over, finally, it's over. They've found a new supply to occupy their time, and I don't have to hear about it anymore.
Yeah right.
7:59am. Good Morning, Beautiful. (Sends an inspirational graphic about a grateful heart, etc). Professes love and promises to always be here for me. "You'll always be my bff." I think to myself -- (eyeroll) That sounds like a threat at this point.
I forced myself out of bed to hop on the 830am zoom meeting for Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families. The anger and resentment sat on my face throughout the meeting; I had to pop on and off of camera, so my sour face didn't upset anyone.
After, I made an egg and avocado breakfast with some orange juice and more coffee, and within minutes I was feeling a bit better. (Hangry?)
I was still a bit annoyed that I woke up with a resentment towards my former, but mostly towards myself -- I could just block their number and not have to deal with it. I'm still deciding if there's more I need to say to offer the proper closure to them -- because "yes it's best we go our separate ways" probably wasn't clear enough?
I tried some coffeeshop radio station on Pandora, getting ready to write today's post, but I just wasn't feeling it. I needed to FEEL. So, I put on a baroque music station, and within seconds, chills made their way through my body and the tears came falling out. Yessss, this is what I need. This is what I've been missing. The deeper truth.
Baroque music is dangerous.
I then spent the next few hours getting whisked away into online Italian adventures ... taking a virtual tour on Google Earth, looking up travel expenses and language courses that I could use to freshen up my high-school Italian, scouting the Italian art and music scene, locating the LGBTQ community, and finishing up with signing up for a travel agent webinar.
Being single is more dangerous. (mischievous smirk)
It's so nice to dream my own dreams, even if it's only just a little over a week in from the breakup.
I don't know where I'll be, but I know where I'd like to go. So it's going on my vision board and I'll leave the rest up to my higher power.
#saynototoxicrelationships #sayyestolife
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