#SayNoToToxicRelationships

I'm a little surprised that I'm feeling so okay. It's not really a high, and I'm not denying that I feel sad. My living room is a mess. It takes a bit of energy to keep up with my routines, but I'm in recovery here. I have to be easy on myself right now. 

I think part of feeling so okay while not feeling so okay might have to do with still receiving text messages from this person I broke up with. They don't know if I'm receiving their messages, because I have my "read" notifications shut off.  It's a process. I have them blocked on social media, which was a huge step for me. I thought it would feel awful and that I'd be obsessed with wonder about their whereabouts, but based on the texts I'm receiving, not much has changed.

October 9th was the day I started not returning text messages, or responding with "I feel overwhelmed and I'm not really feeling up to doing much of anything right now." That bought me some immediate healing time. October 13th was when they asked if it was over, and I responded with "yes, I think it's best we both go our separate ways."  They figured I'd be back with my mind changed in three days. But today marks one week free of a toxic relationship, one week of being totally single with no plan B person in my back pocket (for the first time in 31 years, holy fuck).

They send the text messages mostly after 9pm or 10pm ... I'm thinking those are the times they feel the loneliest, and/or it might have to do with intentionally dismissing my boundaries, knowing that I'm not really ever up for deep talks about event planning when I'm in sleep mode.  

The messages came intermittently throughout the day, and then started back up at 10:49pm. They went from "I love you" to sending me pics of their event planning notes that included plans to hire my direct business competition or fellow artists whom I've shared with them that I feel are more advanced than I am (like artists whose work I am blown away by) - the first time they did this, I was deeply wounded. But now, I recognize the game. (I don't paint to impress; I paint to express, so I'm not hurt if they don't like or understand my work.) The last message they sent was at 12:51am, "Goodnight, I love you. I'd really love to talk to you, but boundaries, I understand."   omg, it's almost laughable, but I think it's more sad.

It's incredibly freeing to be able to watch the game and not be a participant. I've never given it enough time to see what would happen, how I would feel after a week, a month, a year, etc.  If you're going through a breakup, it's okay to give it some time to see what happens - you might feel great about it, even if it hurts too. I mean, as they say, if it's meant to be, it will be and love will find a way. Chances are, if you're questioning it, there's some inner work to be done. Take some time for you.

Of course, that's how I feel right now, LOL. My healing go-to's are online support groups (ACA), in-person meetings (AA), and yes, TikTok hashtags #nomoretoxicrelationships or #saynototoxicrelationships. I love those who are sharing their healing process; I really appreciate knowing that I'm not alone. Knowing there's others out there experiencing the EXACT SAME THINGS makes it so much easier to believe what I'm reading about unhealthy, toxic relationships (like being involved with someone who has narcissistic traits).

This is the morning text today from my "former", along with this image:

"I know I love you and I always will. Have a grateful and blessed day."

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#mixedmessages #actionsspeaklouderthanwords