Think it through, think it all the way through

What do you do when you have the desire to reach out and call the ex? It's been two weeks. They still text me every day, but I haven't responded in any way since last Monday. I've been keeping busy. Most important for me is to keep sharing what's going on with my friends and support network. Otherwise, I feel isolated and then I'm just sitting with my own thoughts in my head. 

I'm missing them a little more today. Probably because it's a rainy day, hormones are out of whack, I'm feeling emotional. Came home from an awesome weekend after visiting my daughter in Massachusetts, and when I was cleaning out the car, I found my former's zipper jacket. It tugged on my heart strings. I brought it inside, folded it, smelled it, hugged it ... allowed myself to feel my feelings out loud, "I loved the person I thought you were, and I miss that person." 

I haven't even gotten out of bed today. I did attend my recovery meeting, got up for coffee and to feed the doggo. Came back to bed, scribbled out a week's worth of ink drawings in my sketchbook, and made plans to visit my friend later on today, even though I could easily stay right here.

The craziness of the ups and downs. Feeling fine one minute, one hour, one day ... and the next minute, hour, day I feel myself start falling apart.  When I'm feeling fine, I think "oh, this is doable." I feel so strong in those moments. I don't think badly about my former, I don't wonder, I have no fears or insecurities. I feel safe in my decision. I feel like it's a healthy decision for both of us. Because I still love that person.  And then I feel sad. So sad. Just dumbfounded. To think they never really did love me.  Denial, I was in such denial.   

First red flag was thrown before I had feelings. The next hundred red flags were thrown every second they spoke, for hours on end while I listened and cringed and got frustrated with their inability to let go of seemingly petty things that were happening at their toxic place of employment.  The red flag that I actually did see was one of the first times we had slept together ... they ended up raging about something. I can't even remember what it was about. But I recall the horrified feeling of "what the fuck did I just sign up for???".   We were in a hotel. And I recall getting dressed as fast as I possibly could so I could get the fuck out of there. I NEVER wanted to see them again. They panicked, blocked me from getting in my car ... I was furious at the disrespect, baffled even ... this person barely knew me (yet another red flag, eyeroll).  There were red carpets beneath our feet, red leaves in the trees, a red roof on the hotel, red red red everywhere!!  I saw that red flag.   And I guess I thought it was pretty?

Three years later ... 

I am grateful though. For the entire 3 years. I'm grateful we didn't get married or have a child together. I'm grateful I decided it was best if we didn't live together. In the beginning, they had moved in with us, on "roommates status".  Here's another red flag that I recall - they helped me find a place, since they still lived in Jersey but I had been living in Delaware and was moving back to Jersey.  When it was time to meet the landlord and sign the lease, they took the papers and started filling them out, no big deal. I figured, what would be the harm? We'd both be paying rent, that was fair to have their name on the lease. But they moved down the paperwork and I looked over to see they hadn't included my name on the lease! I asked them to write my name too, but they were trying to ignore/distract me. But I stayed firm. Write my name on the lease!  

After a few short months, I asked them to move out, although we were staying together. And when it was time to renew the lease, I quietly did not add their name, just to be sure there would be no trouble later on.  I couldn't have them here with us. It was too stressful; I wanted and needed to heal and process my breakup with the relationship I just jumped ship from. :(   I never truly got the time or space to do that; my schedule was planned out for me before I could even get a chance to breathe and think about what I truly wanted to do next.  But because most of it was fun times, I didn't mind so much. It was just when it came time for me to push back and relax, have some downtime for processing, recovering ... that was a huge problem.  Red flag.

Anyhow, in looking back ... I saw the true picture and what was really happening there. They'd been living with their mom, not staying sober. They had lived with their brother for a while but was asked to leave and ended up with Mom for two years.  That's when I met them, at a 12-step meeting. I thought about sponsoring them, but decided against it since I was going to be moving to Delaware. Didn't see it coming that over the course of the next few weeks, I'd be developing an attachment out of fear of abandonment and change. What a fucking nightmare, really, but the high of all the "love-bombing" took place of drinking for me. I couldn't drink, but I didn't know how to cope with all the change that was happening in my life at the time. So I got high on "love".  (heavy frustrated sigh)

You get a red flag, you get a red flag, you get a red flag, everybody gets a red flag! 

I'm thinking, and I could be wrong, but ... I'm thinking they were planning to kick me out. They used me to talk to the landlord and secure the place with the deposit. They'd put their name on the lease, hush me "don't worry about it, what does it matter whose name is on it?", and then kick me out when they were ready to.   That makes so much sense.

Made me sick when I realized that was probably the truth of what almost happened. But it didn't happen that way. And so we carried on this long term silent battle. I didn't even realize I was at war. I was so used to the chaos (adult child symptoms).

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Funny, I don't so much feel like reaching out now ... 

This gave me a good laugh!