Where to even begin

 

So, it's been a few days since my official breakup, after three years of putting my foot down, "I don't want to be in a relationship!" Somehow, one day at a time turned into 36 months of adventure with this person. It was, indeed, a long strange trip and I have no regrets -- we had a crap ton of fun together!

But, no matter how hard we tried to make it last forever and be something more that resembled a lifelong commitment, the reality is that neither of us was truly ready for that. Even at 43 and 59, we still have a lot of learning, growing and most importantly, healing, to do -- the latter part being the main reason for us taking different paths when we got to this fork in the road.

It wasn't an easy decision, but it was necessary. The decision was made out of love and respect for each other's journey (sometime about 3 years ago and at least twice a month since then), although following through has been messy and less than perfect -- because while our hearts know and understand, the unhealed parts of us want us to keep holding on, double checking, trying something different, trying again and again and again ... it gets exhausting, right? It's much easier to love authentically from afar than it is to force a path with fallen trees and burnt bridges.

Interestingly, while I was adamant about not wanting to be in a relationship, I clearly was not strong enough to not be in a relationship. I was full of fear -- abandonment issues, self esteem issues, financial insecurity issues, etc. Spending one day at a time with this person made it easy to step outside of my isolation and comfort zone, essentially abandoning my own self. They introduced me to the side of life I never felt I deserved to be a part of - the fun side.

The fun side helped soothe unhealed heartache from a previous relationship, helped quiet the fears and unending judgmental conversations in my head, helped me gain a greater appreciation for nature, art, music and connection with humanity. I remained open-minded, curious and willing -- and so I learned a lot. And, somewhere along the line, I realized that pieces of me were taking a back seat. Things that were important to me were put on hold or made a second priority or saved for rainy days -- not because they were forced to be put away, but because I wasn't sure yet of myself, and so I wasn't certain that these matters were important enough. In hindsight, of course, I'm learning anything that is important to me, is important, period -- whether or not anyone else thinks so.

So, while we were having a lot of fun and I was falling in love with life, those unhealed parts of me began speaking up -- at first, they were gentle whispers, maybe a tiny tap on my shoulder here and there. But then they got louder, almost obnoxious, demanding attention at every corner. I knew it was time. I felt strong enough to look them in the eye, welcome them in and agreed to have a look at what they've been trying to tell me.

I've never been alone. I've been on the run, toxically hopping from one "ship" to another, building fires and cutting out when the heat got to be too much -- part of the reason I didn't want this last relationship to end. I wanted to be sure I was giving my all, and it seems I really was -- to my detriment, and those about me.

So, here I am. Here I am. Everywhere I shall go, there I will be. But always, for today, and one day at a time, I am right here -- right where I need to be.

Cheers to today, every day!

Not my bike, but my soul can relate

to the dude sitting on it.  So much adventure,

but why did I feel dead?