Robbed of Mourning Something Meaningful

Damn, I was prepared to mourn. I'd been actively preparing since January -- attending support groups, sharing with others, listening and learning from others who had been in similar situations. A lot of them were sticking around with their partners, being supportive and working on themselves -- but I'd also listen and realize that after years in the program, they were still unhappy, despite all this work they were doing. I didn't want that for me or my former. 

I joined another program, Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. The combination of all the support I was getting from this variety of 12-step programs was key in helping me move on. I recall telling my former, when their behavior was completely disrespectful, that I was working on what I needed to work on so that I could get strong and be able to leave the relationship.  They wanted out too, but they didn't have the strength or courage or support. I didn't like having to say that, but it made it real for me. And it felt like I was giving them a head's up, being open about my feelings and my intentions -- there was plenty of time to take action, but nothing was changing except for the increase in my self-esteem and my ability to make and enforce boundaries. 

When the time came ... and I cannot believe it has been a full month already since we broke up for good! ... I was so frustrated, so over it all that I truly didn't have time, energy or desire to feel bad. I felt just okay. I was sad, annoyed, I felt a little lost. I thought the grieving would come soon, but it didn't really -- not for the relationship, anyway.  I actually felt robbed of being able to mourn something meaningful because I realized that our entire relationship was just a façade -- so like, what's the point in mourning it? 

Maybe it will come. I miss some things about my former, but the crazy and chaos far outweighs what I miss about them. If they had truly loved me, maybe it would be different. But I cannot miss special moments that actually weren't ever truly mutually special moments.  

Now I have to go deep -- deep into me .. intimacy ... into me see. Because I feel uncomfortable. I feel scared at times during the day --  when someone is busy, when I don't have their attention, when I feel forgotten about, or when I sense I'm about to lose someone ... I get this weird feeling in my heart. The rapid breathing, a tenderness in my heart. And I'm not trying to change them. I want to learn to change me. I want to understand why I feel this ache over perceived loss - I want to be able to embrace it, work with it, instead of be afraid of it. 

'Interrogation.'  Aug 2020.