Unwholly Holiday

Thanksgiving was different, peaceful, and nice this year. It was myself, my 17-year old daughter, my son and his boyfriend. My daughter helped make the turkey and the green bean casserole. My son made a homemade cranberry sauce. Despite the turkey being overcooked on the top and we aren't really sure about the bottom - since nobody wanted the legs or thighs or wings or whatever else you find down there, the turkey turned out well. We had a nice meal together, and then we enjoyed hot chocolate bombs for dessert, with pumpkin roll and apple pie too.

We did the tradition of going to see the lights while listening to Christmas music. We came home and watched a Christmas movie. It was just really nice.

I had to get out of the house after dinner though. There was a sadness that just wouldn't go sit in a corner and cry somewhere quietly on its own. It just sat in the pit of my stomach. I wasn't missing my former specifically (it was quite peaceful without their energy, actually); I was just missing the company of a partner. I really don't like having that feeling. Why is that feeling so important to me? Why am I not able to feel whole without a partner? 

I later confronted a new friend who I've been talking to about my pronouns. They're clearly uncomfortable with it. So I found myself questioning how much does it really matter to me? If it means losing potential partners over it? I know the answer, but I still question myself, still doubt myself, still cannot imagine there ever being a partner out there who can ever fully understand and accept me for me ... who I will have chemistry with. I can't see it.

I trust, but with hesitation.  Right now, I feel sad.