Unhappy Endings

Saturday night, following our meeting, I had dinner with my former and a friend of ours. After, former and I sat in the car and talked for over an hour. We laughed, we cried, we admitted where our wrongs were, what we were missing, and where we were also growing now that we are apart. I even shared that I was trying to talk to someone, because I needed to maintain the honesty that I brought to the table -- not so much for their sake, but for mine. They understood. 

They used my pronouns all night, without blinking an eye. Said they've been working on understanding it and trying it on -- only took three years, and a month of little to no contact, but I appreciated the effort. It felt nice. They referred to me during our talk as "boyfriend" and "husband" and it offered me a glimpse into the world of what it would really be like to be fully seen that way. And it just felt normal, it felt like an exhale, it felt like gratitude. It wasn't like a party, a celebration. It just was ... in that moment, it just was exactly what it is.

The night came to an end. We kissed and hugged and exchanged "I love you's" and "take cares". I told them I would not be unblocking or receiving their messages. I told them maybe I'd see them around at meetings or music. 

I think they still have hope. I think my heart is such a sappy little bitch and wants so much to believe. But I have seen and learned so much, too much, enough to know better. It's not healthy. Definitely not healthy at this time in our lives. And I need to keep letting go and moving on. 

The person I was talking to decided it's best we remain friends. I cannot tell you how, despite knowing they're probably right, that crushed my self-esteem. CRUSHED. That flailing baby that was left alone … arms flying about, eyes wide open, unable to breathe from the fear ... yep, all very present. 

But I didn't want to drink. And that is a fucking miracle, a blessing.

I did want to listen to and feel loud music, paint hard, and smack baseballs out into a field. Full of anger, rage, discomfort. I was so angry with myself. I felt like I sabotaged something because I wanted to control their thoughts, their perception of my gender, instead of just allowing them to feel and express their feelings. They had finally opened up to me, to say I'm beautiful … they facetimed me when they don't really like doing that … they told me they miss me, wish I was there with them … but when they said I was beautiful and that they couldn't call me what they thought I wanted to be called (handsome; it doesn't matter btw, but I didn't get the chance to tell them that), I had to ask how they viewed my gender. I made a big deal out of it. I showed disappointment. It's all new to them and they were still willing to talk to me. But I fucking sabotaged it. Couldn't just keep my mouth shut for a while. 

They said we could still talk, we could still be friends, that nothing would have to change, since we never crossed the boundary into something more … but we would talk for hours during the day, and now that's changed. Yesterday morning, I texted them. They responded nicely, wished me a nice day …. and then didn't text or call me all day for the first time.

I wasn't a wreck because I kept myself busy. I reached out to friends, spent time with my granddaughter at the beach, and watched Netflix. But man was I so sad and lost and disappointed and frustrated.

Today is  another day, right. I promised myself I will not reach out to them. I'll let them be. I won't try to force something that's not meant to be. If it is, obviously, it will happen in time. But right now, I'll just keep the focus on healing and learning and growing. 

It hurts though.