August 12, 2024

 8:35am. My husband's alarm went off early this morning, maybe around 6am. I heard it but my body hurt and felt heavy, and my eyes weren't ready to open. He got up and walked out to the living room, but never made it past the couch and was now, a half hour later, resting instead of getting ready to go out. 

In my groggy fogginess, I subconsciously waited for the smell of fresh brewed coffee to hit me, but it didn't, and I think that was the final deciding straw as to whether or not I'd be getting ready to go out or also make my way to the couch.

My husband got up and went back to the bedroom - where, two hours later, he is still asleep; and, here I am writing after having made coffee, breakfast and listened to a podcast on menopause.

Today, I am in my feminine energy and it's strong. 

My period didn't come this month. Hot flashes arrived instead. I'm 47 years old. I'm furiously curious. So, now what happens? Hence the podcast. I have a passionate desire to know and understand my body, so as not to be thrown into panic attacks over internal twinges and changes. I want to know how to care for my body, how best to love it through this stage. If I go blindly into this transition, I won't do well. I need that understanding and self-awareness, I need to be prepared ... otherwise, I have a very creative imagination and will have myself diagnosed with so many things that I'll need to be hospitalized just from the stress of overthinking things that probably aren't true. 

In other areas ... 

Work: Currently working on a day-to-day basis at a local plant & gift shop, where I am also able to host paint parties/workshops. I haven't been able to find/secure any other permanent work, and while this one day at a time situation is not for the faint of heart, I am grateful for the flexibility. The money is decent, as are the hours, and the work is simple, fun and comes with a dog named Mr. Bubbles - how awesome is that.

Paint Parties: Well, I'm getting more emails, a few signups here and there (but nothing profitable just yet). I just had my first session at the plant shop yesterday, I have a cowboy hat painting event scheduled for this Saturday at Urban Axe Yard in Sierra Vista, and another scheduled for the end of the month at an Ethiopian bar/restaurant here in Tucson. 

Art: I almost gave up on the opportunity to show my work all month in September at the local library. My original thought was to show up to 100 blind contour portraits, as I had been painting a daily series in June and thought I might be able to maintain that, LOL. But with having to take on more work outside the home for income to help pay rent & bills, that meant less energy for painting time. 
Instead of backing out, I changed my plan for what I will show - so now, I'll be painting larger portraits to take up more space, cutting the actual display of paintings down to about 36.  This will save me from having to purchase prints and frames, as well as cut down on the amount of inventory to keep track of. 

I heard myself telling my Lyft driver "I won't be doing that again," in regards to taking on such a huge project - to keep in mind that things change when there's a large time gap between taking on the commitment and when the actual event is to occur.  The next day, I submitted my application for the 2024 Winter Street Fair, LOL. That's not a commitment just yet though, as it's an awarded spot that I applied for, so if I'm not selected, no worries. 

Well, it's 9:05am and the bear is awake, growling and sighing and groaning, moaning, mumbling and whining. 

I've had somewhat of a peaceful morning. I'm going to sit with God today, stay close to him. It's moving time again in a few weeks and neither of us has stable income or an income to pay both the bills AND rent. So here we are again ... this should be fun.  I'm tired of worrying and trying to control. I'm going to try this "I trust you, God" thing again, it actually worked last month ... a lot less worry, and things still worked out. Praying for trust, willingness, open mind, God's perspective, clear vision of God's will and the strength to work with it, whatever it may be.